


To the Rescue

by FairyNiamh



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: BAMF Stiles, Bad Puns, Epic Fail, Humor, Kidnapping, M/M, Monster of the Week, No Tentacle Sex, Rescue, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2013-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-02 23:10:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyNiamh/pseuds/FairyNiamh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is, once again kidnapped... why is it always him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the Rescue

Stiles sighed as he came to and noticed he was tied to a chair... again. What was it with hunters and monsters feeling the need to tie him up? Couldn't they come up with something original or just add an interesting twist to the whole ‘tying him to a chair’ thing?

Maybe they could tie him up nude... no, that would be too close to what Derek had done to him last week. Which made him sigh happily and wonder when his sour wolf would be coming to save the day. There was the distinct possibility that Stiles would have to save himself, which always sucked.

He heard the shuffling of feet and cocked his head toward the noise. "So, who has the pleasure of kidnapping the token human this week? By the lack of thudding boots, I am guessing you are _not_ a hunter. No growls, so that lets the Werewolf Wang Whackers Chapter 226 off the hook. No hooves clattering, so Alicorn Animosity Association is off the board."

"Carcolh," a deep voice slurred out.

"Really? I thought the French had eaten all of you guys," Stiles said as he narrowed his eyes and tilted his head in thought.

"Breed," the monster said simply.

"Yeah, hate to break this to you Lou, but I am already mated to a possessive werewolf. Though if you let me go now, I'll put in a good word for you and maybe we can find you a nice date via escargot fast dates or something. I mean, I can't see you or anything, but I am sure you are handsome for a Carcolh and any girl or boy Carcolh would be happy to have you," Stiles rambled.

"Last," the monster said simply.

Stiles understood, the monster was the last of his kind (maybe). Sad, but he wanted nothing to do with the mating habits of anything other than his wolf. "Well, I can't help you there. I am a man, male, boy... I do not and cannot carry your... children, spawn, whatever you think I can do. You need a girl."

"Any will suffice," the monster said. That was when Stiles felt something crawling up his leg.

"Really? You're going to fuck me, excuse me; breed me, before I even know what you fully look like? Where are your manners? Don't I at least get dinner and a date?" Stiles asked somewhat frantically as his clothes started to disintegrate under the Carcolh's slimy tentacles.

"After."

It was then that Stiles heard a crash and he breathed a sigh of relief. If the slime of the Carcolh was melting his clothes, he didn't want to think about what it could and would do to his insides.

It was his great misfortune; however, that Scott and his bad puns happened to be the first on the scene to save him.

"Don't worry Stiles; I'll make this es-car-go away!" Scott yelled as he attacked the Carcolh.

“Really Scott? Is that the line you really want to save me to?” Stiles yelled and then groaned in pain at the very bad pun. Yes, he had been afraid of being molested or raped by the monster, but the bad pun was even worse than getting ass raped by some a slimy monster.

"I can't leave you alone for a minute, can I?" Derek asked from behind him as he severed the ropes holding Stiles.

"Couldn't you have ordered that the rescue remain silent? Did you know what kidnapped me and if you did, did Scott come up with the bad pun by himself or was it agreed upon?" Stiles complained.

"What pun? Derek asked in confusion.

"Better you don't know. It might actually hurt you. Hey Scott, you almost finished over there?" Stiles called out.

Scott screamed in horror as the monster hauled him up in the air using one of its tentacles.

"Scott, stop horsing around and finish it off. I'm hungry! Do you know how long this thing held me prisoner?" Stiles called after his best friend.

"Less than an hour actually," Derek said beside him. "Why are your clothes in a mess? Jesus, they’re falling off of you."

"Lou wanted me for a mate," Stiles replied with a sigh.

"Can't fault his taste. When did you even have the time ask him for his name? USE YOUR CLAWS YOU DUMBASS!" Derek called to Scott.

"I don't know his name," a very exasperated Stiles said as his clothes continued to slowly disintegrate from his body.

Derek cocked his head to the side and frowned. "Then why did you call him Lou?"

Shaking his head the young man explained; "It's a Lou Carcolh. A monster that originated in France. Glad I memorized the Bestiary now. Come on Scott, stop screwing around. I need a shower and some clothes pronto! I do not want to walk around town naked. Derek, would you please help Scott out? I'm feeling a little exposed here."

"Fine, but you owe me dinner. I think it was supposed to be your turn to save me," Derek grumbled as he wolfed out and made his way over to Scott and the Carcolh. He should have maybe been a little less cocky seeing as the beast grabbed him by the ankle before slamming him and Scott together like a pair of cymbals in a marching band

"I thought we weren't keeping track!" Stiles called after Derek. "Stupid werewolves and their need to show off. Really, he completely forgot that he owes me. I warned him that I was going to get kidnapped by the new monster when he came to announce that we had a new monster of the week in town. I felt it deep in my gut. Did he listen to me? No. Does he ever listen to me? Of course not," Stiles muttered to himself as he left the warehouse and went to Derek's car to get a large plastic bag and knife out of the trunk.

He dragged the heavy bag inside the warehouse, sliced it open, and threw the contents on the Carcolh. He groaned and plopped onto his rump in the middle of the warehouse as Lou screamed, kind of… well, in a snail-ish manner. The gooey monster threw Derek and Scott across the room as he melted into a puddle of goo. "Nice job saving me. Did either of you read the bestiary? How about getting rid of snails or slugs in the garden as a child? By the way, I am not cooking dinner tonight, one of you two can run and grab a bite to eat for us, and I _still_ need a shower _and_ clothes."

Both of them looked abashed as they started across the warehouse toward him. Of course, they were not afraid to be completely nude in a semi-public area either. Proof was that they started stripping off their clothes. Stiles just stood and walked away grumbling about teaching old dogs new tricks. Really, this was his life; and he wasn't sure why he ever thought that things would be different this time. They never were and he was oddly okay with that.

~Fin~


End file.
